During my stay in Kenya, it became very clear that the blood tie between family members, between individuals from the same tribe and between people living in the same village was of paramount importance to locals. Although people did appreciate friendship and value their neighbours, somehow people who were not ‘of your blood’ were not placed as much importance on as your family members and even more distant relatives. It was a given that if a person was your relative, you would help them no matter what.
In particular in villages and in the more rural areas of Kenya, family was all that one had. There was no social security system; the only security system that you had was your family. Most often, a family home would have been built by the men of the family on the land that had been passed down from generation to generation. Since the men of the family inherited the land that was left behind when their parents passed on, one’s uncles and their families were living next one’s father’s land and house. This is another reason for why it was easy to maintain good relationships with one’s relatives - every time you wet to visit your parents, you would visit your relatives as well.
Children were brought up on firm values that had been the core of each family system for centuries. Physical discipline was common in all households. Spanking and hitting children was still regarded the best way to bring discipline into them and to make them behave in the way that adults wanted. I didn’t meet one person who wouldn’t have been hit or spanked by their parents at some point in their lives.
One day, when I was in downtown Nairobi with my colleague Chrystel, we pumped into a former school mate of hers called Sara. They had not seen each other for some years and since neither party was in a hurry, we decided to go for a coffee together. As we sat down in a nearby cafe, the two of them started chatting about their current lives and what they were up to nowadays. Sara had married and had two primary school aged children.
‘My younger one is a boy and he is so naughty,’ Sara explained to us. ‘He hits his sister all the time and is very rude to her. So when he hits his sister, I have no choice but to hit him. Otherwise, he will never learn to treat his sister in a nice way.’
I listened in silence before responding. ‘ You know, there are so many other ways of teaching your children and telling them how they should treat others. First of all, you need to talk to the child and explain why it is not good to hit others. You can also have other ways of so to say punishing him. You can send him to an empty room and say that he can’t come back before he apologizes to his sister. Or you can tell him that he can’t eat anything sweet for a week or not watch TV for the whole week. This sort of discipline often makes children reflect on what they have been doing. Also, it is always good to ask him how he would feel if his sister hit him.’
Sara was looking at me, herself reflecting on what I was telling her. ‘Oh I see... I never really thought about other effective ways of disciplining my children.’
‘Children are cleverer than we often think,’ Chrystel chipped in. ‘They can understand much more than adults often think and talking with them can be very effective.’
Sara nodded in agreement. ‘Yes, I guess we tend to undermine their abilities.’
‘Also, you need to remember that you are a role model for your children’, I said. ‘What you do is how they will behave. If you hit them, they may think that it is OK to hit others.’
Sara’s eyes were wide with amazement. ‘ I never thought about that! I never thought that I am actually setting a bad example for my kids!’
Chrystel and I exchanged a look. ‘Well, it not as bad as you think. You can start doing it now, setting a god example for them on a daily basis. They are still young and can adjust quickly. Children are surprisingly good at adjusting as well,’ I explained and tried to make the atmosphere more cheerful again.
‘So... you not married yet?’ Sara asked Chrystel.
Chrystel shook her head. ‘No, no luck in this department.’
We laughed a little. I knew how hard it was for Chrystel to be in her late thirties and still be single in this society where marriage and family were everything and your social status was formed accordingly.
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For more information on the family structure in Kenya, see:
http://family.jrank.org/pages/1011/Kenya-Extended-Family.html
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